O sweet James, caring heart..
Precious heart. 
This isn't right. None of this is okay. 
What did you go through? 
What did you endure? 
In those final moments.. were you lonely? 
Were you scared? 
Did you struggle? To survive.. 
Did you decide? To stay or go..
Was it your choice or were you robbed
of it?

Did you leave with pride or did you melt into a fearful sleep?
What occupied your mind in that
fragile moment?
Were you seeking rest, solitude? 
Did you welcome it when it came or did you try to escape?  
Was there regret? Shame? 
What was the last emotion you felt? 
Was it fear? Solitude? Hopelessness...
Not you.. 
Not like this..
No one should ever be alone when they leave this world.
When they breathe out their last breath. 
With no one there to guide them.. 
To hold their hand crossing from one world to another.

Did your heart hurt? 
What troubled you, beloved? 
What battle were you fighting inside? 
Who or what is responsible for stealing your joy? 
The essence of you.. 
​The thing that made you, you.
There was no one like you.. 
So alive and full of love. 
Full of light and hope. 
Your smiles lit up any conversation..
Your laugh still echos in our hearts.. 
Did you fight or did you welcome rest? 

Rest.. 
Rest for your weary soul.. 
Your wounded heart.. 
Rest from a world that claimed to understand you.. to know you. 
Rest from the torment and burden that was placed upon you. 
Beloved James, 
Did you find relief? 
Are you free from all that bound you once? 
You deserved so much more than what this world could have ever offered you. 
Rest beloved. 

You are in a place where you will never be plucked out of. 
The joy you are in now will be your home forever. 
This world cannot hurt you anymore. 
The troubles of this life cannot reach you where you are. 
You will never taste the bitterness of pain again..
Anger, confusion, loneliness..
No one can ever hurt you again. 
Although our hearts are broken, we rejoice in knowing your heart has finally been mended. 
You are whole. 
This life could have offered you nothing but pain and sorrow. 
This world could have never offered you the peace you know now. 

You were weighed down by so much.. 
Through all the bad you went through, you beloved, were the good.  
You were the smile in our hearts. 
A light in dark moments. 
In times of sorrow, you were the laughter. 
The darkness of this world tried to suppress your pure and radiant light. 
For a moment, it seemed to have won over you. 
But, you defeated that darkness. 
You are a champion. 
We will never forget your warmth. 
The love that radiated from your being.  
All who knew you were blessed with a precious gift and we will treasure your memory forever. 
Your life was a quest for answers. 
You sought a response for the many things your wonderful mind pondered. 
Sweet loving James, full of life and love. 
This is how you are remembered for now you are more alive than ever before. 

Beloved James, 
Rest in the arms of the one who's loved you since before your being was even a thought. 
In the arms of Him who created you. 
The One who created every fiber of your perfect and wonderful being. 
The One who knit you together in your mothers womb. 
The One who's kept watch over you from your first heart beat to the very last one..
The One who welcomed you home when you closed your eyes.
You, you James, are the lucky one. 

Dearest cousin,
You have imprinted my heart and mind in such a tremendous and unforgettable way. 
Thank you. 

You are loved more than you will ever know. 
In loving and precious memory
James Ruben Nichitean
1992-2015

I have come to the realization that the older I get, the faster time goes by. It seems like just yesterday that I moved into my new apartment and started my last semester as a college student. Graduating is definitely bittersweet for me. I've come to love school and I very much enjoyed the past few years of my life, but I am also excited for this change in my life. But as I already know, before I can wrap my mind around everything happening in my life, I will be graduated and on to the next season in my life. Where has the time gone?

Don't get me wrong, I'm so ready for this change, but I never imagined i'd reach this place so soon. This May marks the fifth year of my college career. If someone would have told me the day I graduated high school that i'd be in school for another five years, I would have told them they're crazy. But here I am. After May, I will have graduated college twice. 

I can only imagine how much more fleeting the days will be when I am older. I'm still fairly young but it already seems like i'm running out of time. Out of time for what? I'm not exactly sure. Someone once said, "with everyday that passes, we are one day closer to the day of our death." Although that is a very depressing way to look at it, it is quite truthful. And not knowing when that last day will be, it's crucial that we live every day we get as if it may in fact be our last. 

I will never forget the night before I turned 16. It was the first time I realized that I will never be 15 again. Before that day, I was so eager to turn 16 that I completely disregarded being 15. Well, that night I was talking to one of my sister and I was telling her how excited I was to FINALLY be 16. She said something so simple yet it shook me to the point of tears. "After tomorrow, you will never be 15 again." I never looked at it that way and after hearing those words, I regretted every moment that I desperately wanted to be 16 already because I realized I had completely neglected and lessened the value of being 15. 

Every day we wake up to is a new chance we get to live the life we love. We ARE running out of time and our lives are too short to live in regret, in fear, in shame, and in worry. Life is messy, yes, but it is so beautiful as well. There is beauty in everything but it's a choice we have to make everyday if we want to seek and ultimately find that beauty or if we will just give into the "glass in half empty" way of seeing this world. It's up to us.